Monday, July 09, 2007

Writing

Writing sentences is like writing equations. Each word travels and carries and builds its way through a page, and it is the punctuation’s duty to surround and confine the words into formal structure. The effect creates an absurd, yet formidable mathematical equation. Literature and math, I think, possess the same limitations and opportunities. The laws of algebra, trigonometry, geometry, and calculus are learned and held fast – except, perhaps by the few who dare to rewire equations in an affix to defy mathematical laws. In literature, we are taught the value of the poetic license. In school we are taught the grammatical laws. In the writer’s hands is the opportunity to use her creative license… without being bound to laws of punctuation and structure. Few dare to defy these laws, however, just as few mathematicians venture outside the stable world of well-worn equations.

To the writer, this is both terrifying and exciting. Too much freedom releases the harness of the work and it dissipates before forming any sense of cohesion. In the opposite direction, structure breeds boredom and predictability.

I have begun many stories of prose. I have finished one. And I hate it, so perhaps it isn’t at all finished. The idea of reworking the story pains me. I have no interest in it any longer.

On most mornings, I am given a cup of coffee. My husband makes the coffee, puts one sugar in the raw and an inch of milk in the bottom of my mug, and fills the rest with bold coffee. Sometimes I pour my own cup of coffee. Regardless of who pours it or how it is made, I will only drink about four swallows of the dark, caffeinated liquid. My roommate in college used to fill my mug up to only two inches when she prepared the coffee. This is how she loved me.

Writing is like drinking coffee. I am overjoyed by the sight, sound, and taste of it, but when it comes to drinking it whole and swallowing the last ounce, I rarely follow through. Finishing is not my forte.

There are exceptions, of course to my coffee drinking delinquency. If I order a small, iced coffee with a half an inch of nonfat milk and one Sugar – in – the – Raw, I will drink the entire cup without hesitation. I will also finish a cup of coffee if prepared in a friend’s home. Not out of obligation, but because coffee tastes better to me if it comes from somewhere else.

If I sit down to write because it should be part of my routine and I feel the need to pursue its practice, I won’t finish. If I grab my laptop out of sudden inspiration and begin typing sentences, I will complete three paragraphs, maybe three pages, but I won’t finish. Somehow, there must be a marriage between the two to complete a piece of work. I believe this happens when inspiration meets discipline, and visa versa. My paranoid antics might just keep me from ever achieving my dream of becoming a writer. All because I can’t finish a cup of coffee. And coffee wasted is no good at all.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Journal Entry

The curtains above our bed sway slightly away from the window, allowing a slight salt-flavored breeze to come in. I open my eyes, snuggle with my bamboo sheets for one last squeeze, and smile. I do live in Hawaii, after all.

And though our cottage is three miles inland, the smell of the sea occasionally travels through the town of Kailua and into our church parking lot, and, subsequently into our small bedroom. Right now I feel like there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I look over and stare at my husband, who is sound asleep next to me. His brown skin gives sharp contrast to our ivory sheets.

This second a strong desire comes over me… must get to a coffee shop. Play time for me looks like three books stuffed in my backpack, along with my journal, laptop, and headphones. I am currently reading They like Jesus but not the Church by Dan Kimball, The Writing Life by Annie Dillard, and Sex God by Rob Bell. A scone and iced coffee will complete the transaction. Before this happens, though, I must call the bank to confirm payday. If a sum of money over the amount of five dollars exists in our checking account, I am good to go. If not, my trip to Starbucks must wait another day. So life goes on an intern salary.

Payroll is timely; I’m on my way.

Starbucks is fairly empty for this time of day. I claim a cushioned seat in the corner and order my cranberry scone and iced tall iced coffee, unsweetened with room for nonfat milk and Sugar-in-the-Raw. Weeks ago I swore off artificial sweetener and so I bypass the Splenda. A local guy with long hair tied into a ponytail sits in the chair next to me as I plug in my earphones and U2 serenades me. He sits for about a half an hour, content to stare out the window, and leaves. Derek Webb begins singing to me now and it’s time to begin writing. This is my escape.

***

I am learning a lot on this island. One of our graduated seniors asked me yesterday if it was hard to work in a “religious occupation.” She wondered if my work interfered with my relationship with Jesus or if the two were just combined. Good question. I find my personal ‘faith journey,’ if we might call it as such, is quite separate from my job. However, what I learn about Jesus always colors the way I see ministry and “work.” I don’t often teach about what I am learning in my faith. But rather, what I learn in my day-to-day questions, prayers, thoughts, readings, etc. seems to collectively shape the theological foundation from which I work.

This season presents me with the idea of redemption. If I ever write a book, it will talk about redemption. Probably. I find myself confronted with the overwhelming sense that Jesus’ purpose of the Church is to participate in the redemption of created to Creator. Jesus redeemed the world once and for all on the cross, but the Kingdom on Earth, as it is in Heaven, is still in process. So this very large, broad, and consuming concept taints the way I write each lesson, meet with each teenage person, and hopefully plan each event. I might add that I have been writing in the first person as if I am alone in ministry, when actually, JD and I agree and pursue ministry together under this umbrella of redemption.

***

Tonight is youth group. We haven’t figure out a game yet, but the lesson is prepared and announcements are lined up on Keynote. Beach BBQ, shift in youth group night (thank goodness), next week’s relay night, and our Summer with [Clive] Staples series. JD and I hate planning games. Perhaps this is quite unusual for youth workers, but we have a secret loathing for continually coming up with creative and engaging games. This doesn’t fly so well with jr. high ministry, so we utilize websites and books geared for games and try to plan months ahead. Some day maybe we’ll have a volunteer that loves to do games and will tackle that area of ministry. For now, we have secret venting sessions and then take shots of espresso right before youth group. It works. The teens will never know…

Enough rambling. Time’s up. Games to come up with, more coffee to consume, teens to meet with, laundry to put away, errands to run, kitchen to clean. I like my life.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Early Morning Marriage Moments

My body functions between the lines of sleep and being totally awake. At this hour I should not be up. Three hours ago I should not have been up. But sleep, while it is a necessity my body craves, seems to be far from reach. The birds have begun to sing songs outside my window, and the sun begins to peak beneath the horizon and bring light to the sky’s darkness. The fuzziness of my brain begs me to shut my computer and rest my head on the pillow, but the thought of counting sheep again keeps me from actually doing so. My husband, who woke from his slumber two hours ago with my arms wrapped around him and coughing in his ear, has decided to rise for the day. I can’t bring myself to do it just yet, but the thought of a big breakfast might do the trick. He has gone to the store for some ingredients needed for tonight’s dinner with his football guys. It is 5:30 am. And even as I find myself retyping words because my brain hasn’t quite caught up with me yet, I consider myself lucky. Blessed.

I woke up in somewhat of a panic around 3:30 am… not the kind of panic that comes from nightmares, but panic as I relayed the events of last night’s meeting in my head. I signed up for what? Writing a script. For a fashion show. With women’s ministry. But I cringe at the thought of women’s ministry… I just don’t connect with ladies getting together urging each other to form their identities around being a Proverbs 31 woman while sipping tea. What in the world am I doing? And yet all the same, I found myself last night raising my hand with the words “I’m a writer. I’ll write the script for you” coming from my lips. What?! It’s true that I’ve written a few scripts for skits with the jr. high students and other youth ministry events, and I’m very confident in my writing capabilities with this – but really? A fashion show? Fears and memories of cheesy Christian women events flood through my mind and I recall cringing to the response of people when I tell them I want to be in full time ministry and they suggest women’s ministry. I realize these are my own prejudices fronting my cynicism with men and women ministries… But these very thoughts are the ones waking me up at a ghastly hour. Before I went to bed I told JD that I signed up for writing the script because I feel a responsibility to this congregation – and if I shy away from activities planned by the women of this church because I’m sick of cheestastic ministry approaches, then of what service am I? So I signed up to write a script for a fashion show intending to celebrate women and the many unique qualities and roles and capabilities given to my gender. And I intend to put a lot of historical/biblical/contextual thought into each word I write about the women God created as significant, powerful, influential, nurturing, intelligent, creative beings.

These thoughts and more were on the brain when I finally came into consciousness. After a while, I got tired of myself and started praying for friends who came to mind. A little bit after that I snuggled up next to JD and began coughing in his ear (on accident). Needless to say, he asked me if I should get some water and then apologized for his grumpy tone. I reached over for some water and told him I was glad he was awake, though sorry to interrupt his sleep. He was thrilled at this comment. After taking a few gulps, he suggested I pray for sleep and I told him I had been for the last several minutes. We mutually decided that we might as well make the most of these moments and began praying for some other things that had been on my mind and his. I cherish these moments. Taking turns we prayed until intercession and confession were done… and then tried to get to sleep. This consisted of twisting and turning and kneeing and throwing the covers off the bed until I finally resolved to count sheep. At number 149, JD asked if I was still awake. Which, of course, I was. “I’m going to the store,” he said. “What?” I asked. “Are you sure you’re awake JD? Do you really want to go to the store right now? Are they even open?” He nodded. “I think they’re open 24 hours and yes I’m awake. I’m going to the store and then I’ll come back and start work. Maybe I’ll get a nap in later today,” He got out of bed and I tried to continue counting sheep. Just as he was about to leave I reminded him we were out of green olives and could he please pick some up - to which he replied, “I already know and was planning to get some for the stew tonight. Now get back to sleep. If you are still awake when I get back then we will have ourselves a big breakfast, but you should still try to get some sleep.” OK. As if I can really go back to sleep after thinking of bacon and eggs while my stomach screams at me for food. I hear the car start up and drive off and I earnestly try to fall asleep. For about two minutes. Breakfast is coming soon and it’s time to start my day. No matter that my day really started at 3:30 am and we have a full day ahead of us… the sun is rising and it beckons me to join it. My alarm clock will go off in an hour anyhow.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

The Way You See Me

Awhile ago I had a conversation with God about body image and the struggles behind it. This is the recorded conversation (literally)....

The body…
What is it and what does it represent?
I’m told it’s a temple… and that makes sense because the Spirit of God dwells in me.
Yet what does that tell me when I look in the mirror? I know that it is not the Holy Spirit that catches my eye in that shiny glass. Shape, color, matter, flesh, hair, eyes, features… that is what I see.

Not I.

What? What do you mean ‘Not I?’

I mean I see your heart.

But my figure, Lord… what of that?

“For man looks at outer appearance, but God looks at the heart.”

Good one God… I’ve heard that before.

You don’t believe me?

I don’t understand it. The words are trite and bland and overused.

“My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are not your thoughts.”

Then why does it matter to me so much?

You weren’t created for this world.

Oh.

I’m sorry for your heartache. I grieve when you scrutinize your body. Don’t you understand that I made you? I don’t make mistakes. You’re perfect.

Perfect? God I don’t mean to be cynical here but you’re gonna have to tell me things that I haven’t already learned in junior high.

Perfect.

God I want to believe you but I just keep returning to the same place. I truly feel like I will never be set free from this stupid mentality.

I died to set you free from this. Don’t you know that I hate to see my children suffer, to be immersed in sin and believing a lie? Because that’s what you do every time you look in the mirror and cringe, when you look at your thighs and sigh, when you pinch your arm fat and instantly devalue your self worth. This stronghold, this lie about yourself, the one you have chosen to believe… takes away all worth from the loveliness I created. Not only that, but because of Christ’s blood that has redeemed you and made you perfect and holy takes second nature to your own perception. Whose idea of you matters the most? Yours, a boy’s, or mine?

Yours, God.

Who’s truth are you going to believe? Mine or this world’s?

I would like to say yours, God… but it’s not happening.

Then let me show you the way I see you – let my eyes be your eyes.

Not ready to surrender yet Lord. I’m having a hard time believing this can and will actually be accomplished.

Who do you say that I am?

-silence-

You need to trust me, daughter. I can encourage you and tell you that you’re stunning, gorgeous, hot, beautiful, etc… but I don’t want that to be the only way you see yourself. It doesn’t define you. I want you to see what I see, and what I see is what matters.

What do you see then, God?

A holy, perfect, blameless child of mine. I see a heart that beats for me and loves me with a passion that only lovers know. I see a daughter who’s heart has been broken and bruised by the lies of this world and I want to heal you.


God I’m crying out for you to heal me… to respond and release me from this unending burden! King of my heart, I plead for your hand to mold my heart in such a way that your perception of me is the truth I cling to every day.

Daughter, child, beloved… I love you with a love so intense that I died so that you might be freed from this burden. Do you believe that?

Abba… help my unbelief for it is your hand that I have grown to trust and it is your name in which I put my hope.

None on this earth can claim you. My hand is upon you and my Spirit rests in you. Trust me. I’ve healed you. Go. Pick up your mat and walk. Walk with me and be refined in my love.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Roses

This is my first piece of fiction EVER... so it's still a work in progress- we're looking at draft two here:

Roses
by Anne Burdette
English 134: Creative Writing

The evening air was crisp and cool. Where the deep blue met the horizon sky, a soft yellow glow reminded her of the impending fall of night. Moments ago she was sitting through a writing conference; now it was the silence surrounding her as she sat on the steps of the old brick building that begged her to be still. The helicopter’s buzz overhead grew to a roar when it flew through the patch of sky directly above her head. Interrupted from the quiet of the night, she wondered about the next moment she might be still.
She had responsibilities now. Her childhood chores of helping mom with the dishes, setting the table, and making the bed would soon become her daughter’s. Sweet Eva was only four. Bright-eyed with curly black hair, her baby was growing big faster than Corrine could catch up. It seemed only yesterday the chubby little baby was asleep in a crib, now she ran around the house all day with her toys… The stars appeared one by one as moonlight became Corrine’s only source of light; and while she stared at one star in particular, Corrine remembered that night just four years ago.

Alone in the room together, he caressed her back as they softly kissed on the bed. His hand traced her hourglass figure and she pressed closer; she could feel his breath on her neck as the rhythm of his heartbeat became the rhythm of their bodies in a passionate dance. Kissing and caressing turned to lovemaking, and before she was able to think clearly or stop herself, she gave her body away. Corrine lay in bed with Nathan’s arms around her as the realization of what they had just done began to hit her. Twenty-one years old and always known as the ‘good Christian girl’ who was involved in several church activities, Corrine never imagined that she would lose her virginity before marriage. Wasn’t it age twelve that her parents had given her the purity ring and she made a commitment to save sex for her husband? At that moment, however, Corrine could no longer find her identity in the purity she had cherished for so long; instead, masks of shame and guilt settled on her face and she wore them well.
***
Three months later she found out she was pregnant. No matter how hard Corrine had tried to hide it, the morning sickness and slight weight gain finally prompted her to see a doctor. Dr. Edward’s soft green eyes were full of compassion when she told Corrine the news:
“Corrine honey, the results are in… and the test is positive. You’re going to have a baby.”
Dr. Edwards continued speaking about pregnancy care instructions but Corrine couldn’t listen. A baby? The news hit Corrine like a slap in the face and she instantly became flush. It couldn’t be! What would her family think? Her church? And what about Nathan? He loved her so…
“Honey? Are you alright? Corrine you’re going to be ok. This sort of thing happens all the time. There are lots of options now days if you don’t want to have the child.”
Don’t want the child? The only thing that could possibly be worse than getting pregnant in the Christian world was having an abortion. No, that wouldn’t be an option. She would have the child. After a few more minutes with Dr. Edwards, Corrine left the office and got into her car to have what would be the hardest conversation of her young life.
She had known for at least three months now that the relationship needed to end. Corrine couldn’t bring herself to love Nathan anymore. He was associated with the guilt that constantly plagued her mind and tore away at her soul. She knew it wasn’t his fault. They both had wanted it, but oh how she longed to place the blame entirely on him. In her mind, he was the enemy.

The moonlight of the sky shone overhead now, and the steps of the old brick building she sat on grew cold. Corrine shivered and gasped as she remembered how the pain had caused such turmoil in her heart. Her head buried in her hands, Corrine sobbed while the story unfolded once more in her mind as it so often did when she was alone.

She pulled into his driveway sobbing. It took her several minutes before she could compose herself together enough to walk to the door. Praying his roommate wouldn’t answer, Corrine knocked on the door and waited. The door opened; Nathan took one glance at Corrine and folded her into his arms while she sobbed the words.
Nathan, I’m pregnant.”
She felt Nathan’s body stiffen when he heard the words. His face paled and a look of utter anguish meant the news didn’t hit him any easier than it had Corrine. He buried his face in his hands and shook his head aggressively.
“No Corrine that can’t be right. We only did it once.”
“Dr. Edwards examined me Nathan. I’m three months along.”
“Damn it Corrine! Are you going to keep the child?”
“What?! Are you kidding me right now? Of course I’m keeping the child! I’ve already screwed up enough. I can barely live with myself now knowing I’ve committed adultery with you, let alone murder a child. What can you possibly be thinking?
“Adultery Corrine? Come on. Please, are we really throwing this church crap in right now? We need to think about this kid.”
“You don’t get it do you? I went for twenty-one years without having sex because I made a promise to my parents and to God. Then you come along… and now I’m going to walk around with an enormous belly and swollen ankles! No one sees the consequence of your sin. I have to leave everything I know and love because we couldn’t keep our pants on! Who’s going to allow a high school church leader who just got knocked up to stay involved in the ministry? Do you see how this is affecting me? Can you open your eyes here?”
“Ok baby let’s calm down. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It just caught me off guard, that’s all. We can work this out. I love you.” He wrapped his arms around her tightly and kissed her forehead. But Corrine knew she needed to say it.
“Nathan, I’m sorry…. I really am, but I just can’t love you anymore. From the moment we had sex I’ve resented you. I don’t know why but when I see you, I honestly just see the man who allowed me to sin. I know it sounds absurd, but Nathan – we’ve got to separate.”
“Corrine,” his voice was softer now. “I know how you see me. I know that your virginity was important to you. I’m sorry, so so sorry. But babe, this is my child too. And I love you. Marry me. Please? I know how you feel but can we please just talk about this rationally?”
“Nathan I can’t. I can’t marry a man I don’t love and I don’t love you.”

The conversation went on but Corrine had made up her mind. She left Nathan that night. He was a mess but he let her go. For months Nathan pleaded with Corrine to change her mind but she wouldn’t budge. After Eva was born he continued to pursue Corrine until slowly he began to only show up on weekends to see his child. It’s better this way, she thought. A check appeared in the mail every month from him; he was diligent about child support and weekly visits, but there was never a word spoken between the two former lovers about a possible future together.

Corrine sighed as she got into her Honda Accord and headed for home. Nearing 9:00 now, Eva would be asleep when she arrived. The babysitter, a college senior named Anna, faithfully came over even on late notice to watch Eva. They were good friends, Eva and Anna. Eva liked to sing and dance for Anna, while Anna read her bedtime stories and cooked her favorite dinner, macaroni and cheese. This particular night, Corrine asked Anna to watch Eva while she attended a conference held downtown for aspiring writers. One day Corrine hoped to be a writer; she hoped to share her story with women who were in the same situation Corrine found herself four years ago. In the meantime, her job with the newspaper paid the bills while Corrine took classes and attended writers’ conferences. Because many of the conferences were held at night and the events Corrine reported were evening affairs, Anna came over often.

Something about Anna made Corrine feel comfortable. There was a sense of peace between the two young women, a bond. Corrine couldn’t describe it, but as Anna became more a part of their small family, parts of Corrine’s heart that had been so hardened slowly softened. Anna was nearly four years younger than Corrine, but her maturity proved otherwise. An English major and avid journalist, she and Corrine always had things to talk about. They both loved Bill Cosby and they adored sweet Eva.
Anna was first introduced to Corrine and Eva at a church picnic a couple years ago. It was the first time Corrine had been able to attend any religious function since the conception of her daughter. Corrine’s father, a pastor of a small church in Roseville, often begged her to return to her faith, but Corrine would have nothing of it. She was certain that her fornication had not only banished her from the Christian community, but that God had certainly shunned her as well. One day, Pastor Mike Lucas pleaded with her until she finally relented: there would be a church picnic on Pelican Hill this Sunday, wouldn’t Corrine and Eva come? Corrine made a mean chocolate cake, and it was certain to be a hit amongst the old ladies… Begrudgingly Corrine brought Eva and the cake to the picnic. She sat next to a spunky, outgoing college student with wild red hair who gravitated to her immediately. Within moments Anna learned all about Corrine and her story, about Nathan and the night that eventually brought Eva into this world. Corrine was surprised at how easily she could talk to Anna. Perhaps it was her eyes full of compassion and grace that allowed Corrine to pour the broken pieces of her heart onto Anna’s lap, as Anna listened intently. Or perhaps it was her eagerness to hear Corrine without an air of judgment that prompted her to share her life. Maybe it was just the shared love for chocolate cake that got the two women talking. Whatever it was, the friendship grew from that moment as Anna and Corrine shared their stories with one another.

Corrine pulled into the garage and noticed only one light on in the house. Anna must be studying, she thought. The musty smell of boxes and tools overwhelmed her as she walked through the garage and into her tiny one bedroom apartment. It was the kitchen light that had been left on. The smell that greeted her told her it was macaroni and cheese night again, though Anna had graciously cleaned the kitchen before Corrine came home. In the living room, Anna lay on the couch asleep. Her Bible was sitting next to her, pen in hand, with the page open to Matthew 9. Corrine still didn’t understand Anna’s faith. Often Anna would speak to Corrine about forgiveness and redemption and healing, but Corrine blew it off. Her heart, though softening, was still bitter, and the scarlet letter, though removed from public display, was still inscribed on Corrine’s heart as part of her identity. Forgiveness, redemption, and healing were empty words to her.
“Anna, wake up. I’m home now; you can go back to your apartment.”
“Corrine! Sorry I must have just fallen asleep! How was the conference?”
“Oh it was good Anna. I have a long way to go with my writing, but it was nice to have encouragement… It was an interesting night to be sure though.”
“How so?”
“Well, you know that old brick building by the church downtown?”
“Do you mean Hollister’s old place? Didn’t it used to be a restaurant? Oh, but it burned in a fire several years ago.”
“Yes that’s the one. The stairs leading up to it are quite marvelous. I sat for an hour or so just looking at the sky – it was so clear tonight. The stars were extravagant and the moonlight brilliant… Got me remembering.”
“Remembering… ?”
“Remembering the night that got out of hand; the night I said goodbye to my virginity, my faith, and the one I loved.”
Anna listened. Corrine sometimes came home reminiscing about those painful memories, and Anna always listened.
“It was so stupid Anna. We just kept going. I had tried so hard to be pure. My parents always talked to me about ‘true love waits’ and at church we always heard the pastor mention the importance of sexual morality. Sinning sexually seemed to be the biggest mistake anyone could make, aside from killing someone, that is. And yet I found myself committing that very sin, and I still haven’t gotten over it. I never talk to God anymore, and every time I go to my parent’s home, it just feels like everyone looks at me; inside their hearts, they shake their head in disgust. How could I have been so careless?”
“You loved him Corrine, didn’t you?”
“Yes,” Corrine responded quietly. She had never admitted it to herself after that night, let alone to another person. Despite the resentment she felt toward Nathan, she knew that deep down she truly loved him.
“Corrine… people make mistakes. We were designed with passion and sexual desire. That night between you and Nathan, why those desires were explored and met in a way you hadn’t expected. I’m not excusing you or saying it was right, because the Bible certainly warns against it, but Corrine you can’t condemn yourself. For the last few years I’ve seen you hide behind masks of shame and guilt, as if that were the only way to respond to sin. Do you remember the verse every Christian memorizes at the age of 5? John 3:16?”
“Yes… ‘For God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.’”
“Do you know what comes after those words, Corrine?”
“Nope. Haven’t touched a Bible years Anna.”
Anna’s eyes lit up as she began to explain something Corrine could tell was close to her heart.
“’For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.’ You see Corrine? If we didn’t mess up so badly, we wouldn’t need Jesus! The reason Jesus came to this world was to save it! We aren’t expected to be perfect… if we were, Christ died for nothing. Corrine you are forgiven and meant to live free. That one act does not define who you are once you belong to Jesus. You are free from shame and guilt if you only believe in the salvation offered through Jesus!”
“Anna… I hear you and I hear what you are saying, but I can’t get it through my head to my heart that I might be worthy of such freedom. I feel like I will always live with guilt and shame.”
“But Corrine, don’t you get it? None of us are worthy of such a gift. God knew that! That’s why Jesus came… because we aren’t and never will be worthy. We aren’t condemned when we believe in Jesus. He makes us worthy by His resurrection from His death on the cross.”
“Anna… I remember hearing this and even preaching it in Sunday school and thinking it was truth, but I don’t think I’ve ever wholeheartedly believed it.”
“Accept it and believe it. Confess it with your mouth. That’s all Corrine. You don’t have to do anything to get closer to God or to be more worthy. It’s all about believing in the message of Jesus’ love for us.”
“What about Nathan?”
“You need to forgive him Corrine. If you expect to be forgiven, then you need to forgive him as well. Just as much as it was his fault, it was yours too…”
“I know. I think I’ve always known.”
“You know what you need to do Corrine. I’ve got to go home now… it’s getting late. I’ll be praying for you. Let me know if you need me to baby-sit Eva tomorrow. We played a mean game of hide-and-go-seek going on tonight.”
“Thanks Anna. You mean a lot to me, and you mean a lot to Eva too. I will think about what you said. Your money is on the table in the entry sitting next to the roses. Good night.”

Anna quietly left as Corrine sat on the couch blinking through her tears. This pain had been like chains wrapped tightly around her chest, not allowing room to breathe. Was it true what Anna told her? Could it be that the scarlet letter written so deeply and painfully on her heart might be removed? She bowed her head and began to pray for the first time in over four years. And with each word spoken in the stillness of her heart, Corrine reveled in the moment she had been waiting for as the masks were removed and in its place, joy written vividly on her face.
The next morning was a new day. The sun shone brightly through the blue lace curtains, and Corrine could smell the fresh roses just outside her window. She lay in bed for a moment, recapping all that had taken place last night. Her countenance had changed, and for the first time in years, Corrine felt free. Corrine looked at her watch, 9:00am. Eva would be awake soon. Without another moment passing, Corrine picked up the phone and dialed the number she had long waited to call.
“Hello?”
Corrine’s heart leaped when she heard that voice again. How familiar and warm it sounded!
“Nathan… it’s me Corrine. Listen, can we meet for coffee later today? There’s something I want to tell you…”

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Paul: An Advocate for Women?

Paul: An Advocate for Women in Leadership in the Christian Church
By Anne Burdette
History 191K
Dr. S.Scott Bartchy
December 12, 2005
It wasn’t three years ago that I served on a hiring committee for the new high school pastor in my home church. One of our greatest candidates was a woman. Highly qualified, experienced, and educated, she clearly met much of the criteria for what our youth group needed. The committee decided not to hire her. Why? Well, though not explicitly stated, interpretations of some of the Apostle Paul of Tarsus’ teaching concerning women in leadership in the Church still appeal as truth by many members of the Christian church today. All too often I have discussed with men and women alike the qualms of female leadership in the Church body. Many have determined a woman’s role of leadership does not belong in the Church; if given a position of leadership, it ought to be among the children or men, but certainly not over an entire congregation. It would be a disservice to the churches in America and around the world to assume this doctrine still stands in all churches; however, I have seen it occur time and time again, and for a while, I too believed women were powerless in the Church.

The teachings of Paul of Tarsus in several of his letters are hard to swallow when taken out of context. At face value, one would easily assume the words ‘I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man’ (1 Tim. 2:12 NASB) and ‘the women are to keep silent in the churches’ (1 Cor. 14:34 NASB) imply certainly that Paul advocates female subordination and inferiority within the Church. However, what is often left out in interpreting Biblical text is the historical perspective necessary to understanding the entirety of its meaning. In 1st century Jerusalem and within the Greco-Roman culture, the teachings of Paul of Tarsus radically challenged the social norms and well-instilled gender codes. By discussing the context for Paul’s letters, there may be no dispute that Paul of Tarsus was, in fact, an advocate for the leadership of women in the Church.
In understanding Paul of Tarsus’ ministry to the 1st Century church and the significance of his teachings, it must first be acknowledged that Paul was building upon a foundation already laid by Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus of Nazareth implemented a program of radical inclusiveness in which women were invited to participate not only in fellowship with Jesus, but in his ministry as well. Considering the patriarchal honor/shame system implemented in 1st century Judean culture, women were incapable of receiving honor for themselves and it would have been incredibly rare for a woman to be given status as a leader amongst men. However, Luke 8:1-3 clearly articulates the roles of a few women by name in the ministry of Jesus’ discipleship.
…He began going around from one city and village to another, proclaiming and preaching the kingdom of God. The twelve were with Him, and also some women who had been healed of evil spirits and sicknesses: Mary who was called Magdalene, from whom seven demons had gone out, and Joanna the wife of Chuza, Herod’s steward, and Susanna, and many others who were contributing to their support out of their private means, (Luke 8:1-3 NASB).

Listed alongside the Twelve are three women who traveled with Jesus and participated in spreading the news of the kingdom of God. By associating with women and using them to further the message of the Gospel, Jesus bestows upon them honor and a place in society.
Paul of Tarsus, a spokesperson for the gospel according to Romans 1:1 (“Paul [is] a bond-servant of Christ Jesus, called as an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God”), continues what Jesus began in the Christian movement. Describing 1st century Christianity, Karen Jo Torjesen notes:
In its earliest stages it is best to understand as a social movement like any other. It was informal, often countercultural in tone, and was marked by a fluidity and flexibility that allowed women, slaves, and artisans to assume leadership roles. (1995:11)
In his letters and throughout his ministry, Paul preaches a message in which all humankind may receive the same status in Jesus the Christ. “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Spoken to the Galatians in chapter 3:28, Paul denotes equality amongst believers in Christ; Ben Witherington III, in his book The Paul Quest: The Renewed Search for the Jew of Tarsus, concludes this verse implies “all are members of the one body as brothers and sisters in Christ” (1998:221). With specific reference to Paul’s mention of gender equality in Christ, it may be assumed that Paul’s charge to all believers to live a life “worthy of the gospel of Christ” (Phil. 1:27 NASB) is meant for both men and women; hence, women are able to enjoy the fruit of belonging to the Christian family as equals to their Christian brothers. Furthermore, John Dominic Crossan and Jonathan L. Reid, in their book In Search of Paul, argue that “females and males are therefore equal in family, assembly, and apostolate within Christianity” (2004:110). Thus, females may fully partake in the Christian movement as fellow believers, workers, and teachers of the Gospel.
Paul’s teachings and lifestyle go beyond the declaration of equality amongst believers in Christ, however, in that Paul clearly becomes an advocate for the underdog in the 1st century Greco-Roman culture – a culture still immersed in hierarchical patriarchy. “Paul’s advocacy was primarily on behalf of women, slaves, and whichever ethnic group in particular locale was likely to be neglected, taken advantage of or discriminated against” (Witherington 1998:205). Throughout many greetings in his letters, Paul makes a noticeable effort to praise the work of women participants in the ministry. His mention of women by name and recognition of their roles in several of his letters reveals the importance Paul placed on the ministry of female church leadership.
Several passages from Paul’s letters recognize and describe the work of women in the ministry. Perhaps the most prominent display of Paul’s recognition of female Christian leaders can be found in his closing remarks to the Romans. Of the twenty seven Christians listed in the final greetings, ten of these are women (Phoebe, Prisc[ill]a, Mary, Junia, Tryphaena, Tryphosa, Persis, an unnamed mother, Julia, and an unnamed sister) (Crossan & Reed 2004:115). Furthermore, Crossan & Reed point out that the Greek root for apostolic activity, kopiaō (‘worked hard’), used to describe Paul, is also used four times in Romans and is meant exclusively for women; thus, in Paul’s eyes, women were considered to have worked equally hard as fellow apostles (2004: 115). While the mention of these women alone is significant, their roles and Paul’s words about them are even more impressive considering the patriarchal context of 1st century Greco-Roman culture.
Phoebe is the first person mentioned by Paul, and he gives extensive praise to her for her work. Not only is she often attributed by scholars to be the bearer of his letter to the Romans from Corinth, but she is also given significant recognition for her participation in the Pauline mission. Paul refers to Phoebe as both deacon and benefactor, terms that indicate prestigious roles in Church leadership. The term “deacon” is the same term used in reference to male office holders who participated in the formal organization of the early Christian church. Additionally, the significance of a deacon is also used in scripture to describe leaders who were active in preaching the gospel; in fact, Paul similarly uses this term to describe himself in his letter to the Philippians (Phil. 1:1 NASB) (MacDonald 1999:208). The charge in the letter to the Romans is that they would receive Phoebe “in the Lord in a manner worthy of the saints” and that they ought to “help her in whatever matter she may have need of you” (Rom. 16:2 NASB) because Phoebe has not only helped the body of believers, but has helped Paul as well. Her role as benefactor to Paul and the church in Cenchrea suggests her wealth and significance in society, a crucial factor for leadership status. Phoebe plays a prominent role in the early church, and Paul finds her work worthy of mentioning; his association with her and praise for her contribution to the ministry in a patriarchic society clearly advocates the importance of women in leadership in furthering the gospel.
Following his charge to receive Phoebe, Paul sends a greeting to Prisca (Priscilla) and Aquila, fellow workers in Christ who have risked their lives for Paul and for the Church. Priscilla and Aquila are mentioned four times in the New Testament: Romans 16:3-4, 1 Corinthians 16:19, 2 Timothy 4:19, and Acts 18. A powerful couple in the Christian movement, Priscilla and Aquila worked together and alongside Paul to further the kingdom of God. When Paul sends his greetings to the couple in Romans 16:3 and 2 Timothy 4:19, he mentions Priscilla’s name before Aquila which indicates that she was of higher status than he in society (MacDonald 1999:241). Together, the couple hosted a church in their home and were likely to have been teachers to the community of believers. Priscilla and Aquila were attributed to teaching Apollos ‘the way of God more accurately’ (Acts 18:26 NASB) and in turn, Apollos became a great leader for the church. The significance to this point lies in the fact that Priscilla is also attributed to having taught Apollos. “This [Acts 18:24-28] is an important text, for it offers indisputable evidence of a woman acting as a teacher” (MacDonald 1999:241). Additionally, there is no distinction made between husband and wife with regard to their roles in Paul’s reference to them in his letters. Thus, Priscilla’s role as a leader in the church was widely accepted and appreciated enough to be recognized multiple times in the New Testament.
Also mentioned with her husband is a woman whose identity has been stolen from her for several centuries: Junia. Junia is found in the scriptures today as Junias, a male form of her original name. Scholars agree that after thorough historical research, there is no account of a man named Junias in the ancient Greco-Roman world. However, over 250 accounts attest to the female name ‘Junia’ as a popular and well documented name (Crossan & Reed 2004:115). In order to preserve Patriarchy, however, churches in the 12th century began using the name Junias rather than Junia. Because Junia and Andronicus are said to be “prominent among the apostles” (Rom. 16:7 NASB), scholars argue that the “main motivation that shaped the decision to understand Rom 16:7 as a reference to two men was that woman could not have been granted the title ‘apostle’” (MacDonald 1999:209). The term apostle was given to preachers of the gospel who also performed signs and wonders; their role of apostleship was designated by a calling, and would have been considered one of the highest roles of leadership in the early church (MacDonald 1999:210).
In addition to the specific recognition of the aforementioned women in Paul’s letters, Paul addresses several other women who have important roles in the livelihood of Pauline ministry. In his letter to the Philippians 4:2, Paul speaks about the dispute between two women, Euodia and Syntyche, whose leadership in the Philippian church is significant enough to mention in his letters. Ben Witherington suggests that the two women were most likely coworkers to Paul in his ministry. “Paul would hardly settle a private squabble in such a public letter, but a struggle between two coworkers and leaders in Philippi was another matter” (Witherington 1998:223). Karen Jo Toriesen, in her book When Women were Priests even argues the women helped found the church and were still high in the ranks of leadership when the letter was written (1995:16). Whether they actually founded the church or not, it is evident that these two women were significant in the leadership of the church in Philippi, and their disagreement affected the church enough for Paul to mention it in his letter.
Paul continues to reference other female leaders in many of his letters throughout his ministry. Women who were in charge of hosting a church in their home were often given significant recognition. As discussed before, Priscilla and Aquila were responsible for hosting a church in their home in Corinth. In Philemon 2, Paul greets Apphia who, along with her husband Philemon, hosts a church in their home. Paul’s mentioning of Apphia, along with only two other people in Philemon, suggests her prominence in the community. “Apphia is evidently a leader. She may indeed be a member of the household of Philemon where the community meets, but the nature of the greeting suggests greater independence” (MacDonald 1999:206). Apphia is called sister, an honorable term also applied to a female member of a missionary partnership (MacDonald 1999:206). Also given status of a church leader is Nympha. Found in Colossians 4:15, Paul sends his greeting to her and the church that is in her house (Col. 4:15 NASB).
Another female worth mentioning here with regard to the role of women in leadership is Lydia. Though Paul does not mention her specifically in his letters, Luke’s account of Lydia in the book of Acts reveals that she was an important part of Paul’s ministry in Europe. Lydia was apparently wealthy (“a seller of purple fabrics”) and the leader of her household. Her entire household converted to Christianity and became a haven for Christian workers to gather (Acts 16:15-15 NASB). As mentioned later in the chapter, Lydia’s house remained a place of encouragement for the brethren (Acts 16:40 NASB). “For the author of Acts, Lydia no doubt serves as a fine example of the women of high standing who were drawn to early Christianity and who benefited the community in various ways” (MacDonald 1999:240). By opening up her home, Lydia diligently served the Church body and assisted in the ministry of the gospel.
Hosting a church home was a common practice in the 1st century Christian community. The role of hosting a church in his/her home was significant to the involvement of leadership in the Church. As MacDonald notes, “the capacity to offer one’s house as a meeting place was a factor that affected one’s capacity to become a leader (MacDonald 1999:204). Because women were often the managers of their own home, hosting a church was often recognized as her contribution to both the family and the community. “The household base of the movement may have enabled women to turn community leadership into an extension of their roles as household managers” (MacDonald 199:204). Furthermore, their rise in status monetarily would have corresponded with their ability to publicly participate in leadership in the Church. As Ben Witherington notes, “…during the Empire there was a trend of women rising in status and gaining more public face… Roman law had changed and allowed women to have their own money and so obtain considerable wealth through their own business ventures” (1998:47). Thus, an appreciation for women’s capability to govern a household affected the way in which women could be perceived in the Christian community and held significant influence to the spreading of the gospel.
In closely examining the references to women in Paul’s letters, it is evident that women were active participants in the leadership roles in the Church. “No doubt they [women] were often visible in the exercise of various leadership roles. They were honored with such titles as coworkers, sister, deacon, and apostle” (MacDonald-1999:210). Paul’s mention and praise of such women indicate his genuine appreciation for their work in furthering the gospel message. Thus, by acknowledging their prominent positions in the Church, Paul restores their honor and becomes their advocate in support of leadership.
Where does the problem lie, then, if Paul’s words to female leaders in the Church seem to so clearly encourage their work for the gospel? Throughout its history, the Church has taken select passages of scripture in Paul’s letters and used them at face value to enforce a patriarchal hierarchy in which leadership in the Church is male dominated. Elizabeth A. Castelli remarks in her article “Paul on Women and Gender,” “Paul’s texts have taken on a rich life of their own, being reread and rewritten in a range of contexts that must have been quite unimagined by their author” (1999:222). Specifically, the passages of 1 Corinthians 11:5-19, 1 Corinthians 14:33-35, and 1 Timothy 2:11-12 present instructions to the Church which might suggest an opposition to women in leadership roles in the Church. I myself have struggled with these passages in attempt to understand their content and inherent meaning to women of today’s church. After closely examining the context and situations behind Paul’s writing, it occurs to me that while these words are harsh to the modern reader, deeper understanding points to a call to live the gospel and a life of obedience to Christ rather than merely undermining women’s capability to lead in a ministerial role.
1 Corinthians 11:3-16
The passage in the eleventh chapter of the letter to the Corinthians discusses the proper attire to be worn by women while prophesying and praying in the Church. Evidently a rift has evolved within the church of Corinth, and part of the problem lies in the understanding of proper dress codes during worship. While today’s interpretation of the text might depict a patriarchal demise of women in positions of prophecy and prayer, a deeper look into the context of Paul’s writing explores a different interpretation. Note first that Paul’s qualms are not with the issue of women performing spiritual acts of prophecy and prayer within the church gatherings; rather, the issue at hand deals solely with dress codes of the Greco-Roman culture. “At Corinth, presumably as a defiant challenge to inequality and a dramatic statement of equality, men and women had reversed modes of head covering in prayer, so that men worshiped with covered heads and women with uncovered heads” (Crossan & Reed 2004:113). In other words, Paul was dealing with a group of hippies who had found such freedom of equality in Christ that they created a counter-culture to Roman social norms. Because Paul is not only concerned with persecution of the Church due to its radical defiance to social inequality, but also with the idea that petty infusions within the Church might hinder the spreading of the gospel, he strongly advises the Corinthians to behave and dress appropriately for the times. Furthermore, the passage is directed to both men and women. Evidently, men were equally responsible for obstructing the acceptable attire. Because it had become a hindrance to the spreading of the gospel, Paul found it necessary to correct. Additionally, the issue of loose hair on a woman was hotly contested in the Judean tradition. Respectable Jewish women were never viewed in public without their head covered; women who did not follow this strict conduct would have been associated with adultery – an act that Paul did not want the Corinthian leaders and church members representing (MacDonald 1999:215). Paul’s sensitivity to cultural practices and allowing women leadership in the public realm never dealt with a woman’s capability to prophecy (a divine teaching) or pray; rather, “the sensitivity was no doubt related to cultural ideals in the ancient Mediterranean world where men were associated with the public sphere and women were associated with the home” (MacDonald 1999:216). A woman found in the public realm assuming a position of public speaking was unheard of. Thus, she ought to appear blameless in society, not allowing any footholds for nonbelievers to assume otherwise. This passage to the Corinthians addresses the behavior necessary when praying and prophesying, not about who may or may not pray/prophecy. In fact, because women are instructed regarding the act of prophecy and prayer in the church, they are encouraged and free to worship as the Holy Spirit allows.
1 Corinthians 14:33b-35
… as in all the churches of the saints. The women are to keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak, but are to subject themselves, just as the Law also says. If they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a woman to speak in church, (1 Cor. 14:33b-35 NASB).
Used as the basis for the argument that women ought not to speak up in the worship service, these two verses in Paul’s letter harshly deal with a woman’s right to be heard in the church. Again, the text taken out of context appears brutally absurd and sexist. However, building upon Paul’s concerns mentioned earlier in his letter to the Corinthians (chapter 11), these two verses merely support the idea that Paul must stay within some of the social guidelines given to him by the surrounding culture. As Witherington suggests, “Paul plays with the social cards he is dealt, but he seeks to slip some new cards into the deck and to rewrite the rules for those who play the game in his communities. The cards Paul was dealt reflect a strongly patriarchal culture which often had highly schematized roles for men and women” (1998:224). Furthermore, the exegesis of this passage taken in historical context reveals another side of the story that has often been neglected.
Several scholars suggest Paul’s words describe a large, public gathering of the entire congregation of the church in Corinth rather than the small home-churches where worship was generally held (MacDonald 1999:216). In this case, believers and non-believers alike would have viewed the large assembly gathering in a public setting. With this in mind, Paul not only silences women, but he also silences the people speaking in tongues. “Therefore if the whole church assembles together and all speak in tongues, and ungifted men or unbelievers enter, will they not say that you are mad?” (1 Cor. 14:23 NASB). This verse presents the context for which Paul addresses the women. Paul’s purpose in instructing the church on orderly worship in such a public setting directly correlates to protecting the sanctity of the gospel from being associated with pagan religious practices. “One cannot neglect the cultural-social milieu of Paul: in his setting both Jewish and pagan ‘decency’ required that women have a ‘quiet’ role in the church” (Scholer: Exegesis). Therefore, although Paul acknowledges that women have a place in the worship experience (as evidenced by 1 Cor. 7 &11), when put into an arena where the outside perspective would question the integrity of the Church, women could not exercise the freedom given to them through Jesus Christ.
1 Timothy 2:11-15
Perhaps the most disconcerting evidence against the claim of Paul’s advocacy for women in leadership may be found in Paul’s first letter to Timothy. Of Paul’s letters, three are considered pastoral letters: 1Timothy, 2 Timothy, and Titus. Scholars argue whether or not the letters were actually written by Paul, but for the sake of continuity in the fact that Paul claims he wrote the letters, it is necessary to explore the text found in 1 Timothy. In order to first understand the context for the letter, one must realize the letters to Timothy are meant for Timothy, not necessarily an entire congregation. Therefore, the words spoken to Timothy must be considered in light of this condition. “A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet” (1 Tim. 2:11-12 NASB). Despite its seemingly obvious declaration against female leadership roles in the Church, scholar David M. Scholar argues the text does not prohibit women from full participation in the ministry. A careful examination of the text put into its context reveals otherwise; the passage in case is specific to a usurpation of authority practiced by women in Timothy’s church.
In considering the Greek translation of this passage, two words are central to understanding the meaning of the text. The Greek word ‘hesuchia’ found in v. 11 means ‘quietness,’ and refers to quietness within its proper limits. The Greek word ‘authentein’ which is generally translated to ‘to have authority’ is, in this text, interpreted as ‘to usurp authority’ – rather, to practice illegitimate authority (Scholer: Exegesis). Understanding the true wording of the text reveals the passage is referring to women who have surpassed their authority and have gone beyond the bounds of proper leadership. Scholer concludes that the “admonition of 1 Timothy 2:11-12 is directed against the usurpation by women involved in false teaching” (Scholer). Therefore, the passage is not directed toward all women in leadership positions or who might hold certain authority; rather, Paul is speaking specifically about a select few women whose teaching is compromising to the gospel.
If the text were, in fact referring to all women within the Church, Paul would not have praised the work of Phoebe, Priscilla, and Junia among others as he did. Rather, these women have followed the calling they received in ministerial roles and have exercised good faith in their commitment to leadership in the Church and are noted as praiseworthy by Paul of Tarsus. S. Scott Bartchy, in a response written about his article “Power, Submission, and the Sexual Identity of the Early Early Christians,” recognizes that “the mention of such leading and faithful women in the New Testament makes it unmistakably clear that any N.T. tests that seek to limit women’s leadership, such as 1 Tim. 2:11-12, did not apply to them” (S.S. Bartchy p.1). Meaning certainly, that Paul’s recognition of several faithful women in his letters proves his contradictory statements deserve a second glance.
What, then may we conclude after examining the context of Paul’s words concerning the leadership of women? First of all, Paul’s many excerpts of praise given to women with regard to their role in the church must serve as the foundation for Paul’s advocacy for women. We have explored several passages in which women were highly respected and acknowledged by Paul and further received recognition through his letters to entire congregations. Secondly, the context of the Pauline mission reveals a society in which women were rarely given such praise, and yet, through their work in the ministry, Women served various roles including home-church hosts, apostles, deacons, benefactors, prophets, and teachers. Thirdly, the passages in scripture that contradict Paul’s advocacy for women must be taken into strict context in order to fully articulate Paul’s instructions. It is noteworthy to recognize the verses discussed were both instructional and specific to problems dealt within the Church. Finally, when looked at with the big picture in mind, the passages addressing women’s leadership roles in the Church indicate that females were not considered incompetent or inferior to men. “Perhaps the most important conclusion [made]… of the many women coworkers who participated in the Pauline mission is that women’s leadership was neither different nor diminished in relation to that of men” (MacDonald 1999:218). Women received the respect and admiration of the foremost apostle of the Christian Church, Paul of Tarsus. And through his approval of their work for the gospel in a public address, Paul becomes an advocate for women.
Works Cited

Bartchy, Scott S. “Power, Submission and the Sexual Identity of the Early Christians.”

Crossan, John Dominic and Johnathan L. Reed. 2004. In Search of Paul. New York:
Harper Collins Publishers Inc.

Kraemer, Ross Shepard and Mary Rose D’Angelo, eds. 1999. Women & Christian
Origins. New York: Oxford University Press

Scholer, David M. “Exegesis: 1 Timothy 2:8-15.

Torjesen, Karen Jo. 1995. When Women Were Priests. New York: Harper Collins
Publishers Inc.

Witherington III, Ben. 1998. The Paul Quest: The Renewed Search for the Jew of Tarsus.
Downers Grove: Intervarsity Press.